Frankie

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Shitty Dreams

7/11/10

The past two nights have been complete with next to zero hours of sleep. Every now and then it seems that I have extremely vivid dreams, but the past two nights have been close to nightmare territory.

I had to work Friday night and was on shift until 8AM. I didn’t get any calls after 4AM, so I ended laying on the couch and falling asleep with my laptop open. After a while I found myself in what looked like some kind of old western town. I had a motorcycle and was on my way to a house with a large backyard deck and a small swimming pool. When I got there, I got into a fight with a woman that was there. I have no idea who this woman was or why we were fighting, all I knew is that she knew something. She knew something and I didn’t want her telling anybody.

So I killed her (in my dream obviously). I remember hitting her over the head as hard as I could with what I now think was some kind of glass bottle. It didn’t break and I kept trying to make it break. After she wasn’t moving anymore I folded her up, kind of like a beach chair, which thinking about it now seems wholly unrealistic but hey, thats what happens in dreams right? I took her body down to some kind of lake and made it disappear.

There was some time that had passed in this particular dream and at that point, there was an investigation going on into her death. I was being talked to by detectives and questioned, and all I could remember is desperately trying to keep my story straight. I felt extremely guilty and horrible about what I had done to this woman, but didn’t want to go to prison. The last bit of my dream was spent in a kitchen crying my eyes out, wondering why I just did this. I woke up feeling just as guilty and almost as sad, having to question myself if this were real, or if it were just a dream.

Now last night wasn’t as bad, but just equally as depressing. I went out with a small number of friends, starting at the pool and working our way towards a bar on the outskirts of Lexington (which was fucking packed by the way). Over the course of the day and night I ran into and met chicks that I thought that some fun happen, and almost always I get shot down or watch my friends enjoy themselves while I sit there and get pissed off over the clear lack of attraction of myself to anyone with a natural vagina and breasts.

I came back to the place I am staying just totally and completely pissed off about women in general and my luck. I laid down on the floor to get some sleep and found myself in this complex I am staying at, walking up to the front door. I look down at my phone and see a message from the girl I am staying with saying shes sorry and she hopes I don’t mind. Well I walk in the front door and she is standing there with who I assumed was her boyfriend and about 12 of their friends that I had not met before.

I come in and try to mind my business, trying desperately to avoid seeing her have any non-platonic contact with this guy, but he isn’t having that. Something completely mundane happens and this guy gets in my face. Now naturally I would get right back in theirs and turn someones face into meat loaf, but I didn’t do anything. The guy slaps me in the back of the head and calls me a loser, at which point I slump out of the apartment, also not like me at all.

I know the second dream doesn’t sound nearly as violent or disturbing as the first, but the state of mind I was in going into the dream and especially coming out of it is just not one that I like to be in. I am so tired of feeling like a nobody. I am so tired of being that funny fat Italian kid from New York that lives in Kentucky that everyone wants to be friends with but no one really finds attractive enough to do anything else. I am so tired of women who will flirt with you for hours only to say “well I gotta go back to mah husband/boyfriend!” What the fuck?

Sometimes I wish I could just choke a bitch. Other times I wish I could just really let out my emotions in a way that doesn’t make me look weak or vulnerable to other people. But in reality, no one sees anything but weakness.

Note to Self

7/5/10

So I’m on vacation on Long Island this week and so far its been really great. I miss it here a lot and am catching myself regretting ever moving. But this isn’t my home anymore. I am looking forward to going back home but wish I could visit more often at least.

However, I need to remind myself to stop reading old text messages. My phone has kept every single one since I got it and I probably should go ahead and clean that out, but I don’t.

So yeah. Note to self: do not read old texts and think when you’re tired, drunk, high or bored…or sad…or whatever. Those days are over buddy and no one gives a shit but you.

Free at Last

6/18/10

So apparently things came to a head last week at my job.

Things had started to go south. I had been denied my raise that I feel I deserved, but I found a 2nd job that I thought would be able to supplement my income and made it known to my boss that I wanted to drop to part-time or sub-contract status. I seriously thought that, they would see that they didn’t need me here all day long and that I would be able to be free to do other jobs as a graphic artist should.

Well I was wrong.

Apparently about 2 weeks ago, the owner of my company approached me to design a newsletter for one of his other side website projects. Now there had been rumblings in the office email that he had bought emails off someone on the internet to send emails out to. I specifically asked him if this email I was designing was for subscribers or to spam the emails he bought, and he told me it was for subscribers. Well a few days later we got word that the website had been suspended and blacklisted for spamming.

I seriously had enough. I made it known to everyone in that office that I would not be associated with a company that spammed as a graphic artist and web designer. Everyone was aware that the moment I was able to find another job that I was quitting because the last thing I needed was for people to know that I worked for a spammer.

Well with me being denied the raise and time off to go to E3 this year and been given massive amounts of crap at work, I decided it was time to quit. On my way to work Wednesday I mentally prepared my 2 weeks letter and what it would say. I walked in, made my bagel and coffee, and then my boss called me into his office.

And then he fired me.

I mean in retrospect, everything is fine. If they want me to do any contract jobs I would be more than happy to do so. But I just couldn’t be there all day. It was mentally killing me and I was sick of that job on a daily basis.

So I have my night job driving but thats not paying nearly what I need, and I’ll be homeless at the end of the month. But I feel fine. I really do.

The website will probably get a little face-lift within the next week or so to accommodate getting freelance jobs and quite possibly another full-time job, but we shall see.

I Need to Get Out of Here

5/13/10

So, summer time is essentially here. Its fucking really nice and warm outside and unfortunately my job requires that I sit at a desk, in an office for 8+ hours a day. 8 of those hours are obviously during the day. And of course, being inside does not allow one to experience the sun and heat of the summer.

I woke up this morning and thought I had quit my job. Apparently I had a dream where I got tired of being inside, got tired of staring at this fucking computer screen, went into my boss’ office and without a plan to replace it, quit my job. I grabbed everything off my desk and went home, setup my lawn chair and sat in my parking lot until the sun went down. I then went inside and went to bed.

That’s when I woke up this morning. My shoulders felt like an enormous amount of weight had been lifted off until I realized that that had never happened and I had to be here by 9AM.

I feel like a slave.